Stop the evil jack o'lanterns!

Every year for as long as I can remember, on the 1st day of November (All Saints Day), there is abundant evidence that jack o'lanterns have been taken over by evil spirits.
Normally pumpkins are pretty docile. They stay passive and tame in their fields and some even sacrifice themselves to make delicious pies.
However, whenever Halloween rolls around and people start carving horrible, scary, fiendish faces in the pumpkins, something evil happens to them and they become quite aggressive. They begin to attack humans. Not just randomly either! They have learned to pick their targets and they never attack just one person at a time, they attack very specific groups.
The groups that are most at risk at are groups of teenagers. Mainly (through my very un-scientfic study) teenage boys in groups of 2 - 4.
How the evil pumpkins control these groups of unsuspecting innocent victims (probably on their home from helping at the shelters or soup kitchens or rehearsal for the church play or other worth-while efforts) and are able to draw them close enough for the evil pumpkins to attack is still a mystery.
Although I can find no evidence of human blood, torn clothing or human limbs left over, these stupid pumpkins must not realize they are no match for these groups of innocents, and yet, the lawns and porches are always littered with broken, shattered and smashed remnants of the pumpkin's fiendish attacks.
The fights must be horrible causing these young victims to fight for their lives with sticks and bats and boots, stomping and kicking these evil gourds to the death.
Several mornings have I witnessed the remains of pumpkins that have been thrown to their demise from bridges onto railroad tracks and highways.
I always wonder what kind of mental trauma is created in the minds of these young children. What can their dreams be like after vegetables attack? Does this cause them to recoil in fear at the sight of cauliflower or asparagus, brussel sprouts or broccoli? Is this why children hate all vegetables?
It's time to take action!! We can stand silent no longer!
In the U.S. call your Senator and demand an official government inquiry into these attacks before your children are injured or killed. Call Obama - Call McCain and see where they stand on the vital issue. It's not too late to make this an election issue - the safety of children is at risk.
In Canada, call your MP and demand a Royal Commission be started to protect the children. (If that fails, write a strongly worded letter to the editor of your local paper (or start a petition).

Stop the madness! Take up the fight! Protect the children! Kill the pumpkins!
Remember......keep watching those pumpkin patches.